Tuesday, December 15, 2015

It Could Be Worse...

This time of year always reminds me of family…the family I have yet to create. Thanksgiving and Christmas reminds me of the home I don’t yet own. The home that is not decked out like my parents; with a tree, decorations, and lights hanging outside. This time of year is actually very lonely and depressing.

When I moved to NYC over three years ago, I never once considered the things I would be sacrificing to follow my dreams. Many of the sacrifices I have been able to deal with, but not being with some kind of family on holidays is the sacrifice that hurts. It’s like a wound that becomes fresh and painful every November. 

But to keep it 100 percent honest. This sad holiday feeling didn’t start when I moved to NYC. Even when I lived in Cali and would go to holiday gatherings with family and friends, the pain was still there. It was hard to be at those events when everyone was there with their significant other and/or their children. And then there I was. Just me, with my parents. I hated those moments and would often share my feelings with my mother. One time I remember her telling me, “You’re making it worse than it actually is. No one thinks of you differently because you’re not married and don’t have kids. It’s all in your head.”

I completely agree with my mom and I know it’s all in my head. But when you’re constantly bombarded with images of families and relationships all year long; only for those images to be multiplied during the holidays… how do you change your mindset?

I haven’t celebrated Christmas since 2011. Ever since then I have been in NYC without any family to spend the day with. I’m sure I could have spent the day with the friends I have here, but I never did. Why? Because I wanted family, my family, around me. And every Christmas I have experienced in NYC I am reminded that before moving here I was around family and I didn’t cherish those moments or embrace them. I didn’t get to experience and love those moments because I was so wrapped up in the fact that I didn’t have a family of my own like my brother and all my cousins.

I should have been thankful then, thankful during the last couple of Christmases, and I need to be thankful now. Thankful then because I actually had people who wanted to spend the holiday with me. Thankful in the last couple of years because I am living a life that many only dream of. And if I have to sacrifice a few holidays for a while, it won’t kill me (I know it won’t because it hasn’t). Thankful now because this year, I get to celebrate Christmas with family this year.

On Thursday I will be flying to Cali and will get to experience that holiday feeling I have been missing since I moved. And instead of complaining that I have yet to meet my significant other and don’t have any kids, I’ll be thankful because it could always be worse… and it has been past.


  1. Aw, yes, it could be much worse! It's funny, I was in similar situations for a few years where I went solo to company Christmas parties and such. I didn't think anything of it, until I got there and it felt like everyone else had a problem with my single-ness. Other people made it awkward. I was so happy to be out of a terrible relationship that doing anything and everything alone made me SO happy. Everything is better when you're not with the wrong person, and even better when you're with the right person. Glad you have plans to celebrate the holidays where you want this year--have a safe trip and a very Merry Christmas!

    1. Thanks Tara! Happy Holidays to you too :)